US Presidential Candidates: All You Need to Know

Warning: Some of the levels of crazy about to be witnessed can be unsuitable for children. The Update cannot be held responsible if your children start announcing that “we need to build a wall”.

The US Presidential race is kicking up a storm in the media. “So-and-so said this about Muslims!” “That-guy thinks this about women!” “Why are people still supporting that-knob?” (By the way, all those examples are applicable to Trump). But the media, as we know, is very biased. So, it’s time you turn to the incredibly unbiased Update to find out what you need to know about the truly important and/or crazy candidates that are out there.

Hillary Clinton, Democratic Party

The slated Democratic nominee and wife of former sex addict Bill Clinton, Hillary has been dominating the broadcast media. Popular amongst minority voters, Hillary has been criticized for her seemingly ‘robotic’ and ‘cold’ approach to politics. She has asserted that she is, indeed, “fun” and has stated in the past that “I had many wild parties as a teenager, staying up until 8 pm, drinking Kool-Aid and drafting economic reforms to address the growing wealth gap that affects the poorer in society. You know, kid’s stuff.”

Bernie Sanders, Democratic Party

The upstart socialist from Vermont with a face resembling an angry testicle, Bernie Sanders is the predicted runner-up against Hillary in the race for the Democratic nomination. Popular amongst youth and white voters, Bernie has been gaining traction recently in the states of New Hampshire and Iowa. The Senator of Vermont has been famous as the most left-leaning of all the candidates, declaring himself a “democratic socialist”. There was some controversy during his declaration of candidacy, when he proudly claimed “This land is your land, this land is my land”, a sentence which many claimed showed he had Communist sympathies.

Ben Carson, Republican Party

Retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson surprised many when he announced his bid for candidacy, and surprised even more when he started doing well. Ben Carson became the first person to separate twins conjoined at the head, and promptly threw that accomplishment out the window by claiming that the pyramids aren’t tombs, but biblical grain silos. Another, more famous quote in Carson’s arsenal surrounds the controversial Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare. He very wisely and descriptively summed up the situation by claiming that “Obamacare is the worst thing [in America] since slavery.”

Chris Christie, Republican Party

Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie is a unique Republican in the running. He is fairly moderate, given the circumstances, but is incredibly unpopular in his home state of New Jersey. He has claimed that climate change isn’t a crisis, however, this has gone against many climate scientists, who have actually labelled him as being the leading contributor to rising sea levels, as every time he goes for a swim, the ocean rises two inches. He was also embroiled in a scandal known popularly as ‘Bridgegate’, wherein Christie intentionally blocked traffic to a city whose mayor hadn’t supported Christie in New Jersey’s gubernatorial election. In terms of policy, Christie believes in everything in moderation (except cheeseburgers)

Donald Trump, Donald Party

The first openly orange candidate to run for President, Donald Trump has been dominating both national and international headlines. Known for his egotistical antics (including designing a Trump Tower in Vancouver to be one story taller than the current tallest building in the city), Trump has been heavily criticized by the losers of the lamestream media. He boycotted the most recent Republican debate – hosted by Fox News – due to the fact that Fox violated his safe-space and his feelings were really hurt. He remains the most popular candidate in the Republican race, with an estimated 40% of Republican voters, or 4% of all voters, siding with him. This has prompted the other 96% of voters to wonder what the hell is going on.

Jeb Bush, Republican Party

Uhh… He’s a thing, apparently.

Carly Fiorina, Republican Party

Carly Fiorina was the CEO of Hewlett-Packard between 1999 and 2005, at which point HP promptly forced her to resign after she lowered their stock 50% (don’t worry, they gave her a small severance package of $21 million). She would later, in 2010, spend nearly $20 million on losing a Senate race in California. She was briefly the ‘it’ candidate in the race, but then her voters realized that voting for her would mean voting for a woman, and completely forgot about her.

Ted Cruz, Crazy Party

Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz has frequently been called a rising star in the Republican Party. John McCain (R-Arizona) also called him a “whacko-bird”. Teddy Boy has sparked much controversy this election, due to him being one of those stinking syrup-guzzling hosers, eh? (Translated from Canadian: Canadian). Who the hell likes Canadians? America can’t have one of those in the White House. Although Ted doesn’t have Canadian citizenship anymore, the fact that he was born in Calgary is still an issue. Still, many of his supporters point out that Calgary is the most redneck part of Canada, and therefore a de jure part of America, making him one of the right-wingin’ bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religion, and our constitution (Translated from Crazy: American)

Rand Paul, Republican Party

Dr. Rand Paul is seen as somewhat of an outsider in the Republican Party. He is a self-described Libertarian, meaning he believes in liberty for all (except queers). This has led him to adopt some policies which would be viewed as cancerous to some Republicans (and some other policies which are cancerous to Democrats) such as rolling back America’s presence overseas. Don’t worry though, he’s still crazy. After the outbreak of measles in Disneyland, he supported a family’s right to not have their children vaccinated. Keep in mind this is a doctor saying it’s alright if you’re not vaccinated.

Martin O’Malley, Who-Knows? Party

Seriously, Marty. Nobody cares about you.

Frank Underwood, Democrat Party

Francis J. “Frank” Underwood began his career as the Democrat Majority Whip, and quickly managed to snag himself the position of Vice President. He has been described as friendly, warm and determined. Still, many of his opponents have criticized his “psychotic” episodes, when he turns to the side and talks to no one, often discussing his innermost thoughts and plans, a trait many claim will be detrimental to foreign policy. “Imagine if, when in the middle of a negotiation with Putin, he just turned to his side and discussed how he was going to screw him over?”

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