7 Reasons why Kanye West is a God

Photo: uncyclopedia.wikia.com

The world has many religions. Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Jediism, Pastafarianism, I personally am a Cholestrist (My goal is to die of a heart attack at age 40 after gorging on bacon and maintaining virginity). Almost anything can be a religion. The United States government legally recognizes a religion if its followers have a truly held belief and perform certain rituals. This is purposefully vague.

After looking through my list of most popular articles, I found people (or at least my readers) having a strong predilection for anything to do with the Kardashians and alike (My second most popular article is on Kanye West, my third on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, apparently people like to hate).

I started thinking a bit about Yeezy. He has attracted a lot of flack for some more controversial things he has said, like proclaiming “I am a God” and renaming himself “Yeezus” (old name for Jesus). Many people blow this off as egoism run amok, but I wondered, is Kanye West a deity?

I suppose I angered many heathens who do not adhere to the Church of Cholestrol or the Prophet Diabetes (hallowed be thine blood pressure) by asking the question of whether or not Kanye West is seriously a divine being, but hear me out.

1. Kanye is worshipped

kanye lamborghini, rebloggy.com
See? Even Batman and Robin think Kanye’s fire. Photo: rebloggy.com

Why do Gods require worship? Perhaps they like the oath of loyalty people pledge to them, perhaps they need it to sustain lifeforce, but whatever the case, all religions contain some form of worship. Most religions will also have a subject (or belief system) to which said worship is directed.

Using this logic, at least, Kanye West could very well be considered a God. After all, he is a man who is worshipped by many adoring fans who piously repeat his holy hymns of “Believe in your flyness, conquer your shyness” or “I’m the Tupac of product.”

2. Kanye has special powers

kanye you serious noisey.vice.com
Kanye’s reaction when you didn’t hurry with those damn croissants. Photo: noisey.vice.com

But being loved by many does not a God one make. A hallmark of all deities is to have abilities which no others possess. Allah has creation, Shiva has destruction, Cholestradamus has the Holy Deepfrier. Kanye can’t turn water to wine, how is he a God?

Well, it is true that Kanye does not necessarily have abilities that others are unable of achieving, but he does have powers that are far beyond what 99.9% of humans have.

Kanye West, unlike most people, can walk into a shop and get what he wants for free, due to his immense popularity and cult of personality. His experience is hardly ‘human’. To that extent, he has powers which are beyond natural.

3. Kanye has given himself a Holy Name

Kany West, I am a God, soundisstyle.com
You better hurry up with those croissants, unless you want a plague of locusts on your doorstep. Photo: soundisstyle.com

A common theme of Gods throughout almost all civilizations is to name themselves with a holy name. These can be small things such as the Abrahamic God proclaiming to Moses ‘I am Jehovah’, to Peter ‘the Greasy’ standing atop his chicken wings and screaming “My name is Chlorestradamus, Lord of all that clogs!”. Hell, the ancient Egyptian God Ra literally created himself and everything by yelling “I am Ra!”

Kanye West can be a strong contender for this esteemed position of piety, as he has renamed himself ‘Yeezus’ (the original translation of Yeshua, the original name of Jesus) and assured us that he is, indeed, both “a creative genius” and “a God”.

4. He is not shackled by social conventions

Kanye MLK, rudefunny.com
Further proof that Kanye is supernatural, he can travel through time. Photo: rudefunny.com

Humans are, simultaneously, always free and never. It does not matter whether you live in North Korea (no freedom) or America (freedom so loud it invades other countries), we are always both free and shackled. For example, I have the freedom to walk into a girl’s bathroom, but I do not. I choose the men’s bathroom instead because of social conventions that dictate men go here and women there. I am both free to choose, yet not.

Kanye, however, has near total freedom. He is not restrained by petty social conventions, allowing him to have greater liberty than you will ever have. After all, he did not care about social norms when he proudly stated that he had just “smoked a blunt” before announcing he would run for President in 2020, nor did he care about proper competition etiquette when he interrupted Taylor Swift’s award ceremony to proclaim that Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time!” (He was also kind enough to ensure Ms. Swift that he would “let you finish.”)

5. “There is no Allah, but Kanye”

kanye, noisey.vice.com
Ezekanyiel, 21:15, “And you will know my name is Yeezy when I lay my beats upon thee!” Photo: noisey.vice.com

The Western Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) all proclaim that theirs is the One True God, and there is no other. ‘Islam’ is literally Arabic for ‘submission’, submission to God. After all, this is a divine being that creates and destroys. Almost all Gods in all religions proclaim that they are great and humans are unworthy, and therefore must at least pay attention to them.

In this respect, Kanye could be a God. He has claimed numerous times that he is “a creative genius” and a “God”. He also claimed that “You ain’t got the answers! I do!”, throwing his divinity over all of us like the Prophet Diabetes (hallowed be thine blood pressure) baptizing the virgin Mark with the deep-fry oil.

6. He creates Saints

saint, commons.wikimedia.org
Twas then that St. James turned towards the light of Yeezy, and said unto the mighty Lord, “Bruh”. Photo: commons.wikimedia.org

Literally. His son is legally called “Saint West”. Kanye literally creates Saints, end of discussion.

7. If not a God, perhaps an avatar

kany avatar avatarkanye.tumblr.com
No, not that kind of avatar! Well, actually, kind of that kind of avatar. Photo: avatarkanye.tumblr.com

Many will say this does not make him a deity. A God, after all, cannot have DNA or XX/XY chromosomes, or other things that make us human. Perhaps Kanye is not a God, but he could be an avatar.

In many parts of the world (particularly Asia) some people are believed to possessed by Gods, acting as their messenger, or ‘avatar’. One example of this are the Kumaris of Nepal. The Gods themselves cannot come before us, as their mere presence would be too much for us. Therefore, their avatars are worshipped, as it is the closest we mortals can come to a God.

Kanye might not be a God in the flesh, but he could very reasonably be an avatar of a God, hence his claim that he is “a God”, and that us mere mortals must therefore “hurry up with my damn croissants.”

lanye quote, capitalxtra.com
Kanye is truly a religious figure if he has to compete against the grain storage units known as the pyramids. Photo: capitalxtra.com

So while we may laugh at Kanye for claiming divinity, perhaps we should be more quiet, lest he unleash his powers of “flyness” upon us all, dooming humanity.

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