By Lucia Yepes Puerto & Emma Papangelopoulou (Y11)
The Yogurt Male: the latest model of manhood. A term you might have been hearing with increasing frequency in the time between seeing the title of this article and finishing this sentence. But who exactly are they?
Yogurt Males are a rare and powerful genetic variation of the male with a unique set of tastes that doesn’t tend to be socially accepted. This palette is known as the “yogurt cuisine”: a refusal to eat anything other than yogurt and its various flavours. They consider themselves to be the most interesting and attractive type of male, believing their connection with yogurt to be far superior to any other interpersonal relations. This has driven them to isolation and tribalism, calling themselves lone wolves; warriors that go by the motto: “my spoon is my sword, my yogurt is my shield”.
The scariest aspect of a Yogurt Male’s physiology, however, is their impossibly high bone density. Their extreme level of calcium intake results in bones that are 83 times harder than diamonds, actively being studied by scientists and used to create high-grade military weapons.
Furthermore, Yogurt Males are completely impervious to both physical and emotional damage, posing a serious threat to anyone, especially people with lactose intolerance. If you are lactose intolerant and come into direct contact with a Yogurt Male, your chances of survival are below zero. Stay safe, and remember to hide your yogurt. They are coming.
Citations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTE-gFPsTgw, front picture.